Full term

This week, we reach full term.

I find that SF's and my worries have diverged a bit at this point. SF is afraid that something will go wrong during the delivery. I am worried that the delivery will go fine but the world will end.

Seriously. I mean, come on. I know it's crazy. But all of those scary little news stories that the media publishes -- "ha ha ha! this could cause big problems!" -- don't leave my mind so easily just now.

Case in point

Did the start date have to be my due date?

I guess I'm just not ready for things to end just as it seems like they're about to get good.

In saner news, most things are going well. Everything important is going well. The wallpaper border fell off the wall of the nursery, but we'll work that out. We have basically what we need to care for a baby at the start. In theory, anyway. All we have to do is wait on here.

No gnews is good gnews ...

Just checking in since we've been passing an awful lot of days without posting. Things are still progressing, and we've gotten to the point where we feel a little more comfortable doing some preparations. Other things remain hard --

I hate telling people I'm pregnant. We're to the point now where it's obvious in person, but there are still people I haven't written or called to tell. It's a little worrisome; we've already had some people we know in town get porky with us because they didn't know earlier. I realize it sends a clear signal if you actually give birth to a child and don't tell your purported friends, but I still wish we could wait until we have an real live THB before making any big announcements.

That said, everything is looking blissfully normal. I'm getting kicked reliably often enough (and the OB's doppler has demonstrated more than once that I don't feel it every time it happens). I'm a couple pounds ahead of the curve on weight, but laying off the cheese ravs will help keep that in check. They want a repeat of the 3-hour glucose test next week, which is gross but manageable even if I fail. Prenatal swim has been going well and keeps the only problem I've had -- leg/groin stiffness that makes walking and sitting painful and difficult -- at bay (at least as long as I stay in the water). And I have learned that I would rather give myself a shot in the stomach than pee in a cup.

25 weeks down. I am reminding myself not to wish the summer away.

Sorry for the long silence. There isn't really a lot to say, other than we are still hanging in there. Our next ultrasound is two weeks away, which is a freaky thought... just two weeks ago we were averaging better than one a week.

TMI all over the place

We went shopping yesterday and as we were getting ready to leave the store, I went to the ladies' room and saw the thing I've been dreading for weeks -- bright red blood.

Reassuring:
-- The quantity seems to be decreasing and the color fading to more brown
-- Our doctor said maybe to expect some spotting through week 10 because my ovaries are still huge and abused
-- I have had no cramps

Worrisome:
-- Definitely red, not pink
-- A couple small clots
-- Initial quantity was scary

We still have the ultrasound scheduled for Monday morning. I don't see much point in calling them earlier, on a weekend, because if it's a miscarriage I'm pretty sure there's nothing they can do.

Lying low

Sorry for the radio silence this past week. SF and I are just trying to get through all of the days until we find out whether this pregnancy is viable. Or at least the ones until the next milestone -- the heartbeat. We've got an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow morning, 5w6d. I know it's still early to see a heartbeat, but I'm hoping.

Resilience

I've been vacillating all weekend between "que sera, sera" and "Please let this cycle work ... I can't do it again." There seem to be tons of examples around the web of people who had one less-than-ideal doubling rate and then went on to have healthy pregnancies. There are also tons of examples of people who went on to miscarry. This time tomorrow, we'll at least have another number to add into the mix.

The trouble is, I seem to have used up all of my resilience. At each step in this IVF cycle, things have gone basically well. Not just basically -- better than we'd hoped. But as soon as something doesn't go perfectly, I'm lost. Paralyzed with fear. Every time in the past, the first less-than-perfect milestone has been a marker for eventual failure.

The web says doubling within 48-72 hours is acceptable, but there seems to be a clear message (emphasized by my RE's nurse) that they really want to see doubling within 48 hours.

SF is a paragon of strength here. He believes if not this time, then surely the next. I'm just hoping to be able to rely on his strength over the next day or so, fearing that I may need to save my own for later.

It's still all about the waiting

Well.

The nurse called. The beta rose from 181 to 306 in just about exactly 48 hours. That gives us a doubling time of about 62 hours, far short of the 48-hour ideal.

We are to return on Monday for another test.

I'm knitting with only one needle -- unravelling fast, it's true ...

"I'm going slightly mad ...
I'm going slightly mad
It finally happened
It finally happened
It finally happened --
I'm slightly mad"

--Queen, "I'm Going Slightly Mad."

And that? Is how I feel about (a) progesterone, (b) the end of the two-week wait, (c) assisted reproduction, and (d) life in general.

Feeling pretty useless, too. Need to get off the couch ...

(wh)eeew!

The bleeding has backed off into brown gunk. I know everyone was just waiting with bated breath, dying to find that out.

Here's the thing: backing off seems like a good thing.

Given the choice, I'd rather have it back off than become a full-on period.

But I am so superstitious I almost can't write it here. There is some part of my head that honestly believes -- fears -- that writing it down will jinx any good things that might be happening, and that now I will be bleeding like a stuck pig by noon. What it boils down to is this: I am my grandfather's granddaughter when it comes to superstition, and --

-- it's still too early to tell anything.

bruising

I have a bruise in my bellybutton. It was bright red and the size of a pencil eraser this morning. I called the nurse, and she said it might be leftover blood pooled from the injections. That seems strange to me, since we've been finished with them for a week.

I thought maybe it was from the button of my jeans pressing into my great bloated belly. But I didn't wear pants with a button today, and this evening the bruise is three times as big as it was this morning.

Very puzzled.

In other news, the nurse also said the bleeding/spotting is either (a) breakthrough bleeding that will stop, (b) breakthrough bleeding that will continue off and on into a period, or (c) an early period.

In other words, it's too early to tell.

Crinone -- spotting 6dpo

We're not quite halfway through the 2ww, and I'm spotting ... bleeding? ... I'm not sure where the borderline is.

Last night when we got home, I had a couple of drops of pink. Then -- and I apologize for the TMI here -- overnight, I had cramping bad enough to wake me up, and the drops of pink turned into dark red blood combined with the typical crinone mess.

Dr. Google says "bleeding on Crinone is not uncommon" and "we found no evidence that Crinone causes early bleeding."

I find lots about pink spotting and brown and orange(?!?) discharge. My doctor says anything less than a full period isn't a period. We're not there yet, but ... I'm worried.

But -- 6dpo? Why so early?

So puzzling.

Ovidrel on board!

It hurt a little more than the Gonal-F, just about as much as the Ganirelix. The syringe is the same.

And now ... we wait. And, if the past is any indication, we bloat.

If I make it to October 30 -- 14 days past ovulation and 16 past trigger -- without a normal-to-heavy period, then they'll do a blood pregnancy test. We start progesterone gel on Tuesday.

It's all about the waiting

Like we didn't already know that.

I'm on something like CD44. The b*tch can take her own sweet time. I'm not calling her out yet.

Of course, with two weddings this month I can bet I'll be spending at least one crampy day in a bridesmaid dress.

That's the way it works, isn't it?

Whew.

I have spent the last several weeks mostly not thinking about trying to conceive. Work has been a bear, so I've been busy. And we can't start again until I have a period after the last miscarriage, and we're five weeks on now.

Or is it six?

Ah, the bliss of not knowing. It's not very important. In fact, if it'll hold off even another week, I'll be able to stop worrying whether the end of August will involve trying to balance two weddings (one family wedding and the second where I'm matron of honor) with injections and doctor visits.

Our doctor gave us several choices at the last visit:

1. Do nothing for a few months. Take a break.

2. Do another cycle of Gonal-F.

3. Move on to IVF with genetic testing to see whether we can learn why every embryo we produce dies.

4. Egg donation.

He seems to want us to move on to IVF, though he admits he's not sure whether this latest miscarriage was a fluke. But -- he's a doctor, and the way I'm reading the situation is that he wants to know what the answer is.

I am less concerned about the answer and more concerned about the result. For that reason, since he's not sure, we've decided to try one more round of injections. When I told the nurse that, she made it clear she thought that was a fine path, which reassured me some.

The hard part is that, although that seems like the best choice for us -- least expensive (this round of drugs is discounted with the pharmacy and we already have the progesterone) and also least invasive -- it may mean we are effectively choosing another miscarriage.

I have to remember there are no guarantees with any path we choose, at any time. Even babies born at term do not come with a guarantee that they will live long, healthy lives and die in their beds at a hundred and two.

beta 78, doubling time unknown

Just came across this post from The Waiting Womb, and it brought me to tears.

Please stay.

The limits of the Internet

There is a lot of information on the Internet. Good and bad, right and wrong ... as a librarian, I spend a lot of time explaining to people what it's good for and what it isn't good for. Some things you just won't find on the web.

One of those things, in my experience, is whether or not your pregnancy will survive. I can find lots of information about spotting during pregnancy, and spotting from progesterone gel, and cramping from progesterone gel, and cramping and spotting in pregnancy, and conflicting information about whether each of those things is normal or a danger signal.

But nowhere out there have I found a page that says, "JF, your pregnancy will last" and gives me 20 reasons not to worry.

Al Gore, when you created the Internet, you should have made it clairvoyant.

Out of words

After some spotting on Saturday, I woke in the middle of the night with cramps strong enough that they woke me up. No spotting then, but I'm afraid what we're seeing this morning probably means this cycle is over.


Ouch.

Knock knock? Who's there? Impatient JF. Impatient JF wh--

A friend gave me an extra test.

It called to me. I resisted.

It called again. Again I resisted.

It called again.

A struggle ensued. I peed on it. I'm not sure who won. Here's what happened next:



The oh-so-faint one is from yesterday, 11DPO; the darker one is from this morning. From what I can find on the web, the beta-hcg from the trigger shot should have left my system after 10 days.

I have to wait until Monday for a blood test, and then they will almost certainly want to check for doubling, so we won't know anything for certain for another week.

This is the earliest I've ever tested positive. The first time I got pregnant, the home test didn't go positive until CD36. The second time, a couple of months after that, I didn't test until I was almost 3 weeks past ovulation, and my first beta came back in the low 40s and didn't double.

This is just another kind of limbo. I guess in a way all of pregnancy is. Next week is so busy I'm sure it'll go quickly.

1/3 of the way through the wait

Back down a pound from yesterday -- still up 6 pounds since Monday with a great big belly. Not exactly where I want to be right before a class reunion, but whatever. At least it's college and not high school.

Yesterday was an early, busy day at work. I had to be there in time to visit four school grades before 11:00, which meant arriving at work two hours before I usually do. When I got home, we had dinner and SF decided to take a nap. I thought, I'm not really in the mood to sleep, but I'll go curl up and maybe read a little.

Didn't open the book. Also didn't wake up again, except blearily to take medicine, for 11 hours. SF blames the progesterone, especially since now (after 11 hours asleep and 1 hour awake) I could easily go back to bed. So weird ...

Side Projects

Not much to report here ... hence the non-reporting, though I realize I should think of things to talk about even during the endless periods of waiting that come with assisted reproduction. Work has been insanely busy, and home -- Well --

Our main excitement lately has been that S found himself in the chair for a root canal with about 15 minutes' notice yesterday. And as bad as root canals are supposed to be, we've learned they're better than the alternative -- excruciating dental pain.

He said last night, "There's a good chance I may cost more than you this month!"

And that's saying something, but it's worth it. Especially since when you pay because you want a root canal, you know you'll end up with a root canal. I wish I could say the same for the money going to the RE.