changes

In the past two weeks, the kicking has become much, much stronger. I don't know whether it means stronger legs on #14 or that the placenta moved out from the front, but it's been a very different feeling. It's strange how something can be both disconcerting and reassuring at the same time.

I talked to a friend on the phone yesterday, and she asked me whether we had the nursery all ready. HA. Maybe if I would stop moving out to that bed at 4 a.m. we'd be more inclined to take it down.

One step at a time. Today's was the linen/medicine/cleaning supplies closet. I have a lot to learn about what kinds of baby accoutrements we might need space for inside it, but at least now we have the space.

1. I am fascinated by my belly button, or lack thereof.

2. I passed my second 3-hour glucose test.

3. Our therapist asked whether we are able to imagine what it will be like to have a baby. I wasn't sure. I can imagine a baby being here, but not well. In my imaginings, though, the baby is never doing anything. It's like there is a massive gap where the child's personality should/will be. SF reassures me that imagining inaccurately is still imagining, but it's a strange feeling. It's much easier to think about things -- a stroller ... with a baby in it. A crib ... with a baby in it. But always a generic, inanimate baby. I'm afraid to think about my eyes, SF's nose, hair color, temperament, whatever mixture of our personalities we might see reflected in a child. In some ways, it's maybe not surprising. This time last year, those were things I was preparing to say goodbye to as we discussed with increasing gravity the possibility of using donor eggs.

4. I seem to have passed from a phase of not being able to sleep into a phase of sleeping and sleeping and waking up still tired. This probably has less to do with pregnancy than with work -- I'm currently doing half of my on-leave boss's job, as well as my own, during the busiest time of our year, in 24 hours per week. Am I looking forward to my own leave? Naaah ;) (Note: much easier to imagine not going to work than having a baby. I have, in fact, not gone to work before. Babies are still uncharted territory.)

5. We have a meeting in a week with a nurse to discuss things like labor and birth and circumcision and pain relief preferences. It feels like too many things to find out about between now and then. This past appointment, though, was the first time we have seen our actual OB/GYN and left feeling reassured and not dismissed. I recounted some of the (scary scary) stories people have told me about hospital births, and she talked a little about why some things are the way they are, and how they try to avoid unnecessary c-sections, and how patients in our town tend to want more discussion about choices than patients in her previous practice did. We are still planning to look into engaging a doula, but I feel a little better after having talked to the doctor.

6. We survived the family reunion with 7 kids under age 5, including 3 under 6 months, with only one off-stage meltdown (on my part, set off by food). Small victories.

No gnews is good gnews ...

Just checking in since we've been passing an awful lot of days without posting. Things are still progressing, and we've gotten to the point where we feel a little more comfortable doing some preparations. Other things remain hard --

I hate telling people I'm pregnant. We're to the point now where it's obvious in person, but there are still people I haven't written or called to tell. It's a little worrisome; we've already had some people we know in town get porky with us because they didn't know earlier. I realize it sends a clear signal if you actually give birth to a child and don't tell your purported friends, but I still wish we could wait until we have an real live THB before making any big announcements.

That said, everything is looking blissfully normal. I'm getting kicked reliably often enough (and the OB's doppler has demonstrated more than once that I don't feel it every time it happens). I'm a couple pounds ahead of the curve on weight, but laying off the cheese ravs will help keep that in check. They want a repeat of the 3-hour glucose test next week, which is gross but manageable even if I fail. Prenatal swim has been going well and keeps the only problem I've had -- leg/groin stiffness that makes walking and sitting painful and difficult -- at bay (at least as long as I stay in the water). And I have learned that I would rather give myself a shot in the stomach than pee in a cup.

25 weeks down. I am reminding myself not to wish the summer away.

Ultrasound done

Everything seems to be okay, and we've learned the little tyke is The Fetus Formerly Known
As Embryo #14.

Ultrasound

So, our 20-week ultrasound is this afternoon. Nervous as all get out.

Every previous big test felt like it was a hurdle we had to get through so that everything would feel "normal". And what happens every time is we are happy for a day or two, and then we fall right back to grim hope again. As a result, I'm not really hoping today will make me feel better about things; I'm mostly praying it doesn't make me feel worse.

Still hanging in there ...

There really isn't much going on. I'm finding that, although it is fun and somewhat reassuring (in the absence of an anatomy scan) to watch my belly grow, I still have trouble believing there's anything inside it. We don't seem to be people who talk to -- or even much about -- "the baby." Maybe that comes later. Like in September.

There have been a few little fluttery motions, but given some of the other effects of pregnancy, I'm hesitant to attribute them to anything but gas until they feel more like a right hook than a butterfly.

SF and I keep talking about how we want to put up a blog post, but we can't figure out how to give voice to what we're feeling. He's out skiing with the dog this morning; I've decided to give it a shot.

Despite the reassurances of our doctor, we're both finding it hard to relax and stop worrying. My body seems to be misbehaving just enough to suck the joy out of every day: the spotting stopped for about 4 days before the last appointment, but it started up again, heavier, on Thursday. Then just a spot Friday evening. Nothing so far today, but I expect it's in the mail.

Every good thought I have seems to risk bringing misfortune down upon us. I know that sounds melodramatic. I know it is melodramatic. But I can't deny the feeling is there. It's strong enough that, after going through three miscarriages and 2 1/2 years of ART without the help of a therapist, I'm considering calling the one our RE recommended to see if she can help us relax and find the joy in what we're experiencing.

It felt like a risk to request the information packet from our hospital. It felt like a risk to call the OB/GYN. It felt like a risk to stop the PIO injections.
Our doctor has given us a 3-5% chance of miscarrying at this point. We've "beaten" the odds in so many ways before, though, that SF and I are both fully aware that those numbers above the 95th percentile still represent people. Logically, I know that requesting the hospital packet doesn't cause miscarriages, nor does filling out the OB's paperwork, nor sneaking a peek at cribs online.

Emotionally, though, it's a different story. SF sat me down a couple of days ago and said, "It's all right if we pretend we think things are going okay. If we don't, we won't ever do anything to prepare, because there's never a guarantee that things will continue as you hope."

This post feels clumsy ... but so do I.

TMI all over the place

We went shopping yesterday and as we were getting ready to leave the store, I went to the ladies' room and saw the thing I've been dreading for weeks -- bright red blood.

Reassuring:
-- The quantity seems to be decreasing and the color fading to more brown
-- Our doctor said maybe to expect some spotting through week 10 because my ovaries are still huge and abused
-- I have had no cramps

Worrisome:
-- Definitely red, not pink
-- A couple small clots
-- Initial quantity was scary

We still have the ultrasound scheduled for Monday morning. I don't see much point in calling them earlier, on a weekend, because if it's a miscarriage I'm pretty sure there's nothing they can do.

Lying low

Sorry for the radio silence this past week. SF and I are just trying to get through all of the days until we find out whether this pregnancy is viable. Or at least the ones until the next milestone -- the heartbeat. We've got an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow morning, 5w6d. I know it's still early to see a heartbeat, but I'm hoping.

It's still all about the waiting

Well.

The nurse called. The beta rose from 181 to 306 in just about exactly 48 hours. That gives us a doubling time of about 62 hours, far short of the 48-hour ideal.

We are to return on Monday for another test.

beta 78, doubling time unknown

Just came across this post from The Waiting Womb, and it brought me to tears.

Please stay.

The limits of the Internet

There is a lot of information on the Internet. Good and bad, right and wrong ... as a librarian, I spend a lot of time explaining to people what it's good for and what it isn't good for. Some things you just won't find on the web.

One of those things, in my experience, is whether or not your pregnancy will survive. I can find lots of information about spotting during pregnancy, and spotting from progesterone gel, and cramping from progesterone gel, and cramping and spotting in pregnancy, and conflicting information about whether each of those things is normal or a danger signal.

But nowhere out there have I found a page that says, "JF, your pregnancy will last" and gives me 20 reasons not to worry.

Al Gore, when you created the Internet, you should have made it clairvoyant.