Telling time

When the news is good, they call around 3:00. When the news is bad, the nurse doesn't call until after 4.

At 4:30, the phone rang.

The test was negative. Bleeding for one day last week doesn't count as a period. It's unusual not to have a period after an hcg shot. If nothing happens by Friday, I should repeat the test "in case something weird is going on."

Even though we were expecting it after this morning, the news has still knocked both SF and me for a loop. I prepared myself mentally -- as much as possible -- for another miscarriage, but not for just an outright garden-variety failure to launch. And though this may technically be better news (in that it doesn't add to the disparity between pregnancies and live births), it doesn't feel that way just now.

Hopeful but not optimistic

It's finally here.

Blood test day.

I called for a lab referral.

It feels like there's a lot riding on this one. If it's negative, we're most likely moving on to IVF.

The home test I took this morning showed one solitary line.

Something concrete

No, not that.

The nurse asked that I call them with an update at the end of the week. I phoned yesterday to let them know the bruise was fading and that the spotting had stopped except for some brown goo.

As a child, I figured I just wouldn't ever take my clothes off in front of anyone, have any of "those" doctor's appointments, or admit to having a menstrual cycle or anything else related to sex. The ease with which I can now leave voicemail messages using phrases like "brown goo" still strikes me as odd, to say the least.

The irony that I am now posting that on the Internet is not lost.

When the nurse returned my call, she gave me some of the most concrete information I've had so far. She said that brown discharge with Crinone is normal if you've had a bleeding episode recently. She also said it doesn't take much blood to make it very brown, that it looks like more blood than it is, and that it is old blood.

There was a pause, and then she said, "I'm glad that bruise went away ... I haven't seen anything like that happen in 10 years here."

I'm knitting with only one needle -- unravelling fast, it's true ...

"I'm going slightly mad ...
I'm going slightly mad
It finally happened
It finally happened
It finally happened --
I'm slightly mad"

--Queen, "I'm Going Slightly Mad."

And that? Is how I feel about (a) progesterone, (b) the end of the two-week wait, (c) assisted reproduction, and (d) life in general.

Feeling pretty useless, too. Need to get off the couch ...

I totally fell asleep on the couch this afternoon. Stephen Colbert, it had NOTHING TO DO with your book. I'm still in the Nation.




even if I did get it from the library instead of buying it.

(wh)eeew!

The bleeding has backed off into brown gunk. I know everyone was just waiting with bated breath, dying to find that out.

Here's the thing: backing off seems like a good thing.

Given the choice, I'd rather have it back off than become a full-on period.

But I am so superstitious I almost can't write it here. There is some part of my head that honestly believes -- fears -- that writing it down will jinx any good things that might be happening, and that now I will be bleeding like a stuck pig by noon. What it boils down to is this: I am my grandfather's granddaughter when it comes to superstition, and --

-- it's still too early to tell anything.

bruising

I have a bruise in my bellybutton. It was bright red and the size of a pencil eraser this morning. I called the nurse, and she said it might be leftover blood pooled from the injections. That seems strange to me, since we've been finished with them for a week.

I thought maybe it was from the button of my jeans pressing into my great bloated belly. But I didn't wear pants with a button today, and this evening the bruise is three times as big as it was this morning.

Very puzzled.

In other news, the nurse also said the bleeding/spotting is either (a) breakthrough bleeding that will stop, (b) breakthrough bleeding that will continue off and on into a period, or (c) an early period.

In other words, it's too early to tell.

Crinone -- spotting 6dpo

We're not quite halfway through the 2ww, and I'm spotting ... bleeding? ... I'm not sure where the borderline is.

Last night when we got home, I had a couple of drops of pink. Then -- and I apologize for the TMI here -- overnight, I had cramping bad enough to wake me up, and the drops of pink turned into dark red blood combined with the typical crinone mess.

Dr. Google says "bleeding on Crinone is not uncommon" and "we found no evidence that Crinone causes early bleeding."

I find lots about pink spotting and brown and orange(?!?) discharge. My doctor says anything less than a full period isn't a period. We're not there yet, but ... I'm worried.

But -- 6dpo? Why so early?

So puzzling.

Gonal-F, round 4, 2nd day past trigger

I am so stiff -- bloated, huge and sore. It's only 9:00, but I'm going to go beach myself in bed and read for awhile. Bleargh.

This morning's weight was something like +3 pounds overall, which is about 2 1/2 pounds up from yesterday.

Ovidrel on board!

It hurt a little more than the Gonal-F, just about as much as the Ganirelix. The syringe is the same.

And now ... we wait. And, if the past is any indication, we bloat.

If I make it to October 30 -- 14 days past ovulation and 16 past trigger -- without a normal-to-heavy period, then they'll do a blood pregnancy test. We start progesterone gel on Tuesday.

Gonal-F round 4, day 10

This morning's ultrasound looked great. Even after Wednesday's bleeding, my lining was 12mm. The nurse said they look for 9-12 and implantation doesn't happen in less than 8. There were several big follicles; the machine measures up to four, and the four they measured were all 18-20mm. We trigger tonight. Let's hope they're not all ancient shriveled up useless eggs!

Gonal-F and Ganirelix this morning ... we did the shot at the doctor's office after the ultrasound. Still not totally fond of the Ganirelix shot, but if it does its job I will forgive half the bad things I said about it.

Weight change since yesterday: -.2 pounds
Net change: +.4 pounds

Gonal-F round 4, day 9

Today SF accidentally pulled the needle out of my skin while trying to shift his hand around to push the still-surprisingly-stiff Gonal-F plunger. No pain, but the first injection site bled a little. We switched needles before trying again, because I am a wimp, and, as I said before, we have 30 bizillion of them.

Today was the first day we added Ganirelix to the mix. Those shots always hurt a little more going in. The needles seem bigger, the small syringe is a little more difficult to handle when you're used to the giant gonal or follistim pens, and the injection site seems to get a little sore afterwards.

U/S tomorrow!

Weight change since yesterday: +.2 pounds
Net weight change: +.6 pounds

Gonal-F round 4, day 8

Completely uneventful shot today, except that we had to do it 15 minutes early so I could make it to a meeting.

Weight change since yesterday: +.6 pounds
Net weight change: +.4 pounds

Gonal-F round 4, day 7

Small bruise from yesterday's shot; no mark at all from today's, which was the first shot I couldn't see going in -- SF's hand was in the way. I kept bracing for it to hurt, and there was a small sting when the needle first touched, but that's it.

The bleeding has slowed but not stopped. According to the nurse, "With all the medicine we're using, it's not unusual to have bleeding at any point during the cycle."

It took her a couple of minutes to say that, though. She was obviously thinking about something else, though she didn't say it. Now it's got me wondering; I should have pressed her. They want me to keep up with what I've been doing, come in on Sunday as planned, and call them if anything changes again.

Weight change since yesterday: +.4 pounds
Net weight change: -.2 pounds

Bleeding?

So. At work this afternoon, I started to cramp bad enough that I couldn't focus on putting the files in my filing cabinet in alphabetical order.

I took some Advil. An hour passed. I could hardly stand up.

Then the cramps went away almost at once. I continued to work and got a lot more done once I could see straight.

My boss stopped by about half an hour later and said she was leaving and I should too. I started getting ready to leave and discovered --

-- I had bled all over myself. Through my jeans and everything.

It's now about 2 hours later, and I'm still bleeding as heavily as a heavyish period. Guess I'll call the doctor tomorrow morning ... I've never had breakthrough bleeding like this before.

So. Very. Frustrated.

Ultrasound results

I am the proud grower of 7-8 follicles of the proper size. Yay me. As the doctor pointed out, 8 follicles doesn't mean 8 babies. SF and I are already well aware of this fact, with many past follicles in our history and still no babies.

BUT -- everything looks good. The lining is thick and comfy looking, there was a good number of follicles of a decent size, no problems with the shots. We're adding a daily baby aspirin as of today. Ganirelix (to prevent early ovulation) begins Saturday. Next u/s is Sunday morning, 8 a.m.

In news unrelated to babies, SF and I went for dinner at the mall last night. It turned out to be more expensive than we'd anticipated; we splurged on this jacket in blue.

I am in love with it. Love love love. I love the color. I love the snaps in the back to snug it in at the waist. I love the down-ness of it. And you know what? I love that the weather is finally cool enough that I can wear it!

Gonal-F round 4, day 6

A little bit of a scratch as the needle came out, but the shot itself was painless. We did the left abdomen today. There's plenty of padding there for the needle to go in.

Weight change since yesterday: +.2 pounds
Total weight change: -.6 pounds

I have an ultrasound in three hours with bloodwork ahead of time. Grow follicles grow!

Gonal-F round 4, day 5

Completely uneventful. Right stomach. Didn't hurt. Didn't bleed.

I'm more puzzled by my weight. On day 5, it was:

Change since yesterday: -.8 pounds
Total change: -.8 pounds

I'm not complaining, but understand: I gained 7 pounds last time. Maybe I'm misremembering, and it didn't happen until nearer the trigger? Puzzling.

Off to do day 6!

Gonal-F round 4, day 4

Today's shot provoked a disagreement. I remember yesterday's shot as going in the left side of my stomach; SF remembers it going in the right. There are no marks on me to prove who is right, so we did the only sensible thing: moved to my left thigh.

Right thigh would have been sensible, too, I suppose. I only specified which one so that if we need to remember, we have it written down.

A little pain from going to fast, but not much. A small drop of blood and a tiny red mark, but nothing needing a bandage. Four days down smoothly.

My belly is definitely starting to feel a little fuller. Not sloshy, like when you drink too much water, but just like there's more stuff in there than quite fits comfortably.

Weight change since yesterday: +.4 pounds
Net weight change: 0

Gonal-F round 4, day 3

SF noticed a barb on the first needle he put on, so he changed it. Luckily, we have dozens of them. Each pen comes with 5, I think, and we usually only use one.

No pain from the shot, aside from a slight sting from the drop of medicine on the end of the needle. Injecting the medicine slowly seems to reduce the sting from the dose of medicine. Fast and it hurts; slow and I don't even notice it.

Good job SF! Three down with no pain.

Weight change since yesterday: +1.0 pounds
Total weight change: -.4 pounds

I feel like I should be measuring my abdomen, too. I'm starting to see a little bit of tightness/pain there.

Gonal-F, round 4, day 2

First the first time ever, I administered the shot today. As always, JF was very brave, and kindly claims I did not hurt her.

ETA: This is JF. It really didn't hurt at all. Honestly, the beardburn I got when I hugged SF afterward hurt more. Also of note: if yesterday's weight is 0, then today we have:

Weight change since yesterday: -1.4 pounds
Total change: -1.4 pounds

Gonal-F, round 4, day 1

Smooth as silk! No blood, no bruise, no pain. Rock on.

Back in the saddle again

This feels like a time for starting new projects. I bought a bunch of material for a new craft project, and I actually got it together and started the new project instead of just letting the materials sit around until inspiration either struck full on or left entirely.

I learned to prepare some of the fabric I wasn't entirely happy with to make it more suitable for my purposes.

I have also picked up an old stitching project again to alternate with the new one.

And ... I have an appointment this afternoon for a day 1-3 ultrasound. It's been four whole months since I've seen my ovaries. I miss them, lazy little bastards that they are.