I was in a group of women at work who started talking about their experiences conceiving their kids. They all had an extremely easy time getting pregnant, some multiple times -- several sibling pairs are just over a year apart. One woman said, "I don't know why the doctors tell you it might take a year when it doesn't." Most of the rest agreed. "Yeah, it never does."
I should have held my tongue, but I didn't. All I said was, "It doesn't work that way every time. I've been trying for three years at this point."
It quieted them, but I keep thinking I probably shouldn't have said it. It earned the old "just go on vacation ... relax and it'll happen" advice. Which, sorry to say, I don't believe is true. I regularly "relaxed" the entire first 18 months I was married and, see --
No eggs, no baby. There are a couple of vital ingredients there, and if you aren't putting one of them in the bowl, you don't get cookies.
It's hard to know how much to say when. It's not really my job or my place to correct people's ... goodness, I was about to say misconceptions :) ... about getting pregnant. Is there any value in reminding people of how lucky they are? I don't want to become a figure of pity. Maybe it'll give them just one more reason to appreciate their kids.
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3 comments:
I'm glad you said something. People need to know that just because it was easy for them doesn't mean it's easy for someone else. They probably said "Just relax" because they were uncomfortable and didn't know what else to say.
I was a new patient at a chiropractor's office yesterday, and an assistant was writing down my medications. I was in pain, and didn't feel like listing all of them (plus, she didn't seem too bright and I didn't feel like spelling all of them for her), so I just said, "a bunch of infertility medications." As she left the room, she leaned close to me and wished me good luck with everything, including the infertility stuff. Then, she said that from what she knows about all of that, it usually does work out in the end. And then I said (and I know this was kind of crabby, but I was in severe pain and not in a chatty mood, and I wanted to end the conversation with her), "Well, it depends on the situation." That is true--you can't make a generalized statement that it usually works out unless you know specifically what is wrong with someone. People mean well, but they just don't know. Sometimes it's better to just nod and smile.
I agree. While it can be hard to moderate the response, especially if it is a day you just got your period, or bad news from the MD, it is important to to be able to tell your experiences, both the good and the bad, and to not have to feel left out of the conversation just because you have different experiences from others. The truth is that millions of couples have trouble conceiving, and it isn't something we talk about in this society. Do *most* of those situations get resolved? Of course they do. But not always, and not always in the ways or times that we wish they did.
I agree with Ann that people fall back on the platitudes when they don't know what else to say, but it is NOT helpful when you are in the middle of the situation. May all of us who are/were fertility challenged be positive examples for other women. Of course, when you figure out what IS the right thing to say, please let me know, because nothing ever made me feel any better. :-)
I don't think there is a right thing to say in every situation, from either perspective (unless it's "I hope things work out the way you want them to." and "Thanks.")
Mostly, I just worry that was the wrong situation to open my mouth in, since these are people I don't know very well and whose children I work with. The last thing I need is to have them decide I don't know how to run a children's program because I can't conceive on my own.
But all the same, maybe it wasn't so bad to say something ... it would make life easier for all of us if more people understood that even if it is "in the water," as they say, not everybody has a glass.
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