Day 7 -- G-F and G

Today's Ganirelix shot was easier than yesterday's -- only one location -- but it hurt more afterward, and it left a big red spot the size of a half dollar at the injection site. That's on the list as a normal side effect, and it hasn't "persisted or become bothersome," so I'm not worried. Seem to be getting headaches this cycle, too, but nothing too bad.

Like any obsessive researcher, though, I've been trying to find stories of people's experiences with these two drugs and -- here's the tricky part -- timed intercourse. There are a million sites out there talking about IVF, but we're not there (yet).

I haven't found much, but even if I had, it would have been more to make me feel better than to acquire actual useful information; we won't know what the answer is for us until we get there. Ultrasound tomorrow, then inlaw-diverting, then the 2WW ... I think I can face it this time.

Saturday afternoon's party might be interesting, though, if I can't move any better than I could after the last Ovidrel shot! I blew up like a balloon last time. No better way to make an impression on family-to-be than to arrive bloated and stiff. Woo!

Day 6 -- Gonal-F and Ganirelix

The Gonal-F injection went fine today; Ganirelix took three tries. The first two spots I tried hurt so much I yelled. Third place went in like a charm.

Good ultrasound results yesterday -- six "ladies," as my RE called them, all around 13-14 mm with good symmetry between ovaries (I think it was 2 and 4, but he called it good). We'll see him again on Friday and then trigger Friday or Saturday night. It could be interesting ... my parents, grandparents and in-laws will all be in town this weekend. We may have to send them out to dinner or something on Saturday if we trigger on Friday.

There was a time that would have left me mortified. The thing is, I completely lost my shame filter sometime around the time I lost track of how many transvaginal ultrasounds I've had. So if it comes down to a question of embarrassment about what we're leaving our families to go do or possibly wasting $2000 and another two months because I couldn't stand up for myself in an embarrassing situation ...

Well, let's just say that, for better or for worse, that's not much of a risk at this point.

p.s. Ganirelix sounds like a Star Wars character.

Gonal-F, Days 3, 4 and 5

Days 3 and 4 -- We were at my parents' cottage. Trying to do this in a new place is always a little stressful, but it went okay. I requested a needle change (SF is in charge of the pen prep) on the second shot after one failed attempt. It seems to be that the closer I try to get to the centerline of my abdomen, the more it hurts. So I'm going to try staying a little farther out for the next few.

Day 5 -- this morning. We have an ultrasound appointment in a couple hours to see how things are progressing.

The excitement so far today is that I left the alcohol wipes and gauze at the lake, 2 1/2 hours away. SF suggested something from our well-stocked liquor cabinet, which would probably have worked fine, but I turned up my nose at it, and he ran to the drugstore for supplies.

Yes, I know alcohol is alcohol (except, as SF says, some alcohol is more equal than others), but ...

I guess the feeling comes closest to a superstition. We are given the steps to take. We follow the steps. The drugs work.

We deviate from the steps, the drugs do not work.

The more I think about it, the more it puts me in mind of the structuralism and fairy tales I studied in college:

interdiction --> violation of the interdiction --> bad stuff

Don't venture off the path, or you'll never have a child.

Gonal-F, Day 2

Yesterday's shot did not bruise. It's only a small red dot. I can still see it, which I wouldn't be able to do if it had gone perfectly.

Today I chose a spot about 2 inches southeast of my belly button. The needle stung when it went in, and seemed to hang up with the pain increasing as I pushed.

I pulled it out without having delivered the medicine. A bead of blood welled up. SF replaced the needle, and I moved an inch or so east. No pain, no problem -- and no blood. I can't even tell exactly where the shot actually ended up being. I can only see the misstep, which still has a small bead of blood.

I am not an expert at this

I messed up this morning's shot. The medicine all went in, but I moved my hand so much holding the pen that the needle went "ping!" when I pulled it out of my skin.

That's gonna be a bruise.

Tomorrow is another day

Shots begin again tomorrow. I'm looking forward to them. As I think I've said before (certainly to SF; less certainly here), the shots are actually my favorite time period in this whole messy process.

It feels like you're doing something. Things are growing. The things you're doing are actually helping the eggs along, unlike when you're hoping a maybe-fertilized egg will find the strength to implant. It's different from waiting.

The doctor said today he's adding Ganirelix, a medicine to suppress ovulation until we do the trigger stot, near the end of the course of Gonal-F. It seems I tend toward a premature LH surge. He says that's correctable, and that we're moving forward.

I have hope.

Keep moving forward.

For now, though, I will acquiesce to the cat on my arm and stop typing one-handed and scratch him.

Sigh.

I was in a group of women at work who started talking about their experiences conceiving their kids. They all had an extremely easy time getting pregnant, some multiple times -- several sibling pairs are just over a year apart. One woman said, "I don't know why the doctors tell you it might take a year when it doesn't." Most of the rest agreed. "Yeah, it never does."

I should have held my tongue, but I didn't. All I said was, "It doesn't work that way every time. I've been trying for three years at this point."

It quieted them, but I keep thinking I probably shouldn't have said it. It earned the old "just go on vacation ... relax and it'll happen" advice. Which, sorry to say, I don't believe is true. I regularly "relaxed" the entire first 18 months I was married and, see --

No eggs, no baby. There are a couple of vital ingredients there, and if you aren't putting one of them in the bowl, you don't get cookies.

It's hard to know how much to say when. It's not really my job or my place to correct people's ... goodness, I was about to say misconceptions :) ... about getting pregnant. Is there any value in reminding people of how lucky they are? I don't want to become a figure of pity. Maybe it'll give them just one more reason to appreciate their kids.

Side Projects

Not much to report here ... hence the non-reporting, though I realize I should think of things to talk about even during the endless periods of waiting that come with assisted reproduction. Work has been insanely busy, and home -- Well --

Our main excitement lately has been that S found himself in the chair for a root canal with about 15 minutes' notice yesterday. And as bad as root canals are supposed to be, we've learned they're better than the alternative -- excruciating dental pain.

He said last night, "There's a good chance I may cost more than you this month!"

And that's saying something, but it's worth it. Especially since when you pay because you want a root canal, you know you'll end up with a root canal. I wish I could say the same for the money going to the RE.