Saturday, February 2, 2008

SF and I keep talking about how we want to put up a blog post, but we can't figure out how to give voice to what we're feeling. He's out skiing with the dog this morning; I've decided to give it a shot.

Despite the reassurances of our doctor, we're both finding it hard to relax and stop worrying. My body seems to be misbehaving just enough to suck the joy out of every day: the spotting stopped for about 4 days before the last appointment, but it started up again, heavier, on Thursday. Then just a spot Friday evening. Nothing so far today, but I expect it's in the mail.

Every good thought I have seems to risk bringing misfortune down upon us. I know that sounds melodramatic. I know it is melodramatic. But I can't deny the feeling is there. It's strong enough that, after going through three miscarriages and 2 1/2 years of ART without the help of a therapist, I'm considering calling the one our RE recommended to see if she can help us relax and find the joy in what we're experiencing.

It felt like a risk to request the information packet from our hospital. It felt like a risk to call the OB/GYN. It felt like a risk to stop the PIO injections.
Our doctor has given us a 3-5% chance of miscarrying at this point. We've "beaten" the odds in so many ways before, though, that SF and I are both fully aware that those numbers above the 95th percentile still represent people. Logically, I know that requesting the hospital packet doesn't cause miscarriages, nor does filling out the OB's paperwork, nor sneaking a peek at cribs online.

Emotionally, though, it's a different story. SF sat me down a couple of days ago and said, "It's all right if we pretend we think things are going okay. If we don't, we won't ever do anything to prepare, because there's never a guarantee that things will continue as you hope."

This post feels clumsy ... but so do I.

3 comments:

Meghan said...

I'm sorry there is so much going on to give you fear. It is so unfair. I really think after everything it takes for us to get pregnant, at the very least we should have an easy pregnancy.

I hope everything goes well and you're able to start to find some joy in all this...and some of that fear can go away. I'll be thinking of you

Anonymous said...

What to say? The rational part of my brain says that your odds of caring a normal pregnancy now are the same as everyone elses (95+%), that the spotting is totally not a big deal, etc. But I remember what it was like when I was going through it, and the sheer pain of having something go wrong (or even the treat of it) is so huge that not protecting yourself emotionally doesn't seem rational either.

One thing that helped me was to rent a dopplar machine for home (I used Baby Beat). Any time the "crazys" in my head got too loud, I'd run up stairs and listen to the heartbeat. (You need to be about 12 weeks or so to be able to hear it. )

I think seeing a therapist is a great idea. That way, if, God forbid, something does happen (which it won't) you've got a support system in place. And, when everything turns out ok, you can have someone who helps you make the adjustment to motherhood, because honestly the anxiety never stops. (OK, the baby was born, but now there's SIDS and car accidents and diseases, etc., etc.)

I don't know if it helps, but what you are feeling is so totally normal. I had everyone of those thoughts, even without the previous 3 m/cs .

I think of you guys every day. Let me know if you need ANYTHING.

Ann said...

I know exactly how you feel. I wouldn't say that I'm incredibly nervous right now, but it's hard to feel much happiness.

I've been seeing a therapist since we lost Zach, and despite my doubts, she's helped quite a bit. Each visit, she's come up with at least one good suggestion that has improved our lives immensely. I plan on continuing to see her throughout this pregnancy--however long it lasts (see the negativity there?).