Response and responsibility

"It's a shame she had no real children; she would have been a wonderful mother. In a flash of insight, David sees that it's not her fault she has no children: Mr. Trotwood is to blame. That's the reason he's so outgoing and optimistic but prone to tears: he is a man without seed. Every kind thing he does for his wife is some kind of compensation, some small apology."

--Defect by Will Weaver

I, too, find it hard not to feel that way, when I'm the problem. I find myself, much to SF's chagrin, doing things like putting off my dentist appointment because we're already spending so much on my healthcare. It doesn't help the infertility situation, but it makes me feel a little better.

I wonder, though, whether such feelings and actions will eventually become a recipe for a marital difficulty. People don't tend to like people they feel sorry for, even -- especially? -- when they're married to them. No matter how bad I feel for cheating my fertile husband out of the dream of easy family-building, it seems like it's necessary to get past that guilt and sadness ... which is only really possible if the other person doesn't blame you.

So far, SF seems to be above casting blame -- a generous reaction, in my opinion. I hope someday I might get beyond holding myself culpable for the mess we find ourselves in.