Today marks one year since the egg retrieval that helped bring our little man to us.

We have been remiss in updating this blog. It's hard to want to sit in front of a computer when I look at this baby who is happier than anything when he's being held. In the past couple of weeks, he has learned to laugh, and we are greatly enjoying helping him practice.

I hope this finds anyone who happens to read it well and happy and on the path to building or raising the family of their dreams. I don't know when we'll write more; this blog feels like a story that has ended for the the time being. We were perhaps luckier than Vladimir or Estragon. We didn't have to wait by the road forever.

All the best --

JF

As of 9 p.m. on 9/10

He's here. He's lovely. We are all healthy but tired. More soon.

only half mad ... really ...

Mostly I'm not as crazy as the previous post. Our therapist pointed out that during the first trimester, I was terrified of losing the pregnancy; during the second, I was afraid of someone breaking into our house in the middle of the night; and now, during the third, I worry the world will end. It's only a matter of scale.

Things are still coming together. SF put the carseat in the car this afternoon. We have clean clothes, receiving blankets, and bumgenius diapers with a supply of disposables until we get our feet under us. The fridge and freezer are stocked with food for September, and the new freezer arrives Monday. Our doctor said the baby is moving down, and that she expects we'll be among the 80% of her patients who go between 39 and 41 weeks. Guess it's time to finish packing that bag for the hospital ...

Full term

This week, we reach full term.

I find that SF's and my worries have diverged a bit at this point. SF is afraid that something will go wrong during the delivery. I am worried that the delivery will go fine but the world will end.

Seriously. I mean, come on. I know it's crazy. But all of those scary little news stories that the media publishes -- "ha ha ha! this could cause big problems!" -- don't leave my mind so easily just now.

Case in point

Did the start date have to be my due date?

I guess I'm just not ready for things to end just as it seems like they're about to get good.

In saner news, most things are going well. Everything important is going well. The wallpaper border fell off the wall of the nursery, but we'll work that out. We have basically what we need to care for a baby at the start. In theory, anyway. All we have to do is wait on here.

changes

In the past two weeks, the kicking has become much, much stronger. I don't know whether it means stronger legs on #14 or that the placenta moved out from the front, but it's been a very different feeling. It's strange how something can be both disconcerting and reassuring at the same time.

I talked to a friend on the phone yesterday, and she asked me whether we had the nursery all ready. HA. Maybe if I would stop moving out to that bed at 4 a.m. we'd be more inclined to take it down.

One step at a time. Today's was the linen/medicine/cleaning supplies closet. I have a lot to learn about what kinds of baby accoutrements we might need space for inside it, but at least now we have the space.

1. I am fascinated by my belly button, or lack thereof.

2. I passed my second 3-hour glucose test.

3. Our therapist asked whether we are able to imagine what it will be like to have a baby. I wasn't sure. I can imagine a baby being here, but not well. In my imaginings, though, the baby is never doing anything. It's like there is a massive gap where the child's personality should/will be. SF reassures me that imagining inaccurately is still imagining, but it's a strange feeling. It's much easier to think about things -- a stroller ... with a baby in it. A crib ... with a baby in it. But always a generic, inanimate baby. I'm afraid to think about my eyes, SF's nose, hair color, temperament, whatever mixture of our personalities we might see reflected in a child. In some ways, it's maybe not surprising. This time last year, those were things I was preparing to say goodbye to as we discussed with increasing gravity the possibility of using donor eggs.

4. I seem to have passed from a phase of not being able to sleep into a phase of sleeping and sleeping and waking up still tired. This probably has less to do with pregnancy than with work -- I'm currently doing half of my on-leave boss's job, as well as my own, during the busiest time of our year, in 24 hours per week. Am I looking forward to my own leave? Naaah ;) (Note: much easier to imagine not going to work than having a baby. I have, in fact, not gone to work before. Babies are still uncharted territory.)

5. We have a meeting in a week with a nurse to discuss things like labor and birth and circumcision and pain relief preferences. It feels like too many things to find out about between now and then. This past appointment, though, was the first time we have seen our actual OB/GYN and left feeling reassured and not dismissed. I recounted some of the (scary scary) stories people have told me about hospital births, and she talked a little about why some things are the way they are, and how they try to avoid unnecessary c-sections, and how patients in our town tend to want more discussion about choices than patients in her previous practice did. We are still planning to look into engaging a doula, but I feel a little better after having talked to the doctor.

6. We survived the family reunion with 7 kids under age 5, including 3 under 6 months, with only one off-stage meltdown (on my part, set off by food). Small victories.

No gnews is good gnews ...

Just checking in since we've been passing an awful lot of days without posting. Things are still progressing, and we've gotten to the point where we feel a little more comfortable doing some preparations. Other things remain hard --

I hate telling people I'm pregnant. We're to the point now where it's obvious in person, but there are still people I haven't written or called to tell. It's a little worrisome; we've already had some people we know in town get porky with us because they didn't know earlier. I realize it sends a clear signal if you actually give birth to a child and don't tell your purported friends, but I still wish we could wait until we have an real live THB before making any big announcements.

That said, everything is looking blissfully normal. I'm getting kicked reliably often enough (and the OB's doppler has demonstrated more than once that I don't feel it every time it happens). I'm a couple pounds ahead of the curve on weight, but laying off the cheese ravs will help keep that in check. They want a repeat of the 3-hour glucose test next week, which is gross but manageable even if I fail. Prenatal swim has been going well and keeps the only problem I've had -- leg/groin stiffness that makes walking and sitting painful and difficult -- at bay (at least as long as I stay in the water). And I have learned that I would rather give myself a shot in the stomach than pee in a cup.

25 weeks down. I am reminding myself not to wish the summer away.